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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Talking to my Self...

I was doing this exercise to define my most important life goal(s) and the blocks in the way of attaining these goals. What follows is a portion of that exercise. You will notice grammatical errors, poor sentence structure and the like. Please ignore this stuff and just read it as it is. You will find a sort of dialogue going on within myself with questions and answers. I'm sharing this with the hopes that there is something here worthwhile for you to discover and benifit from. If nothing else, it will give you a little insight into my own journey in this life experiencing.

Number 1 goal that is most important to me.

Consciously being ever present in this here now, experiencing my connection with my source, constantly being aware of how I feel so that I am always re-attuning and aligning with the most optimal expression of my being in abundance, clarity, freedom and bliss.

What has been blocking me from attaining this goal up until this point?

Seeking it, not being it.

List of everything blocking me and preventing me from being successful.

Whatever “It” is, it is within me.


Why don’t I have a life partner right now? Why am I resisting this?

Because I am seeking it rather than letting it be. Stop seeking, just be. When I am seeking it, whatever it is, I am in a vibration of seeking. I can’t be in a vibration of seeking at the same time as being in a vibration of allowing/receiving.

Because I am not open. Why am I not open? Because I am afraid. Why am I afraid? I’m afraid because I fear he won’t love me and accept me. I want to have a relationship with him and I’m afraid he won’t want to have this relationship with me. Why wouldn’t he want to have a relationship with me? Because he isn’t gay. Is that what I fear most when thinking of him?

Yes. If I knew he was gay, would I be free to be open with him about my interest in him? Yes. I could ask him, but if he says no, he isn’t gay, my fears would be answered, and my pursuit of him would come to an end. See, this is part of the seeking, pursuing him is seeking. Am I more interested in pursuing him or having him? Pursuing him is fun, but not fulfilling, so I’d like to get past the pursuing part and get to the having part. Okay, can I let go of pursuing him now and get on to the having him now part? That depends on if he is interested in being had by me. Do I feel like he wants to be had by me? Yes. So, what would really end if he isn’t gay? If he isn’t gay, he hasn’t been gay all this time we’ve talked and been with each other has he? No. So, maybe he does accept me, at least as much as he knows of me right now. If he isn’t gay, and doesn’t want to have a relationship with me, then what have I lost? Nothing. What have I gained? The knowledge that he isn’t the one for me. Is it okay if he isn’t the one for me? Yes, because it is very important that whoever he is, he is the one for me. Is (his name is omitted to protect his identity) the one for me? I don’t know. How do I find out? How does it feel when I think of him? Feels good to me.

Next block, he is shy therefore he may never have the courage to acknowledge he is interested in me. Why is he shy? Because he lacks self confidence. He is also afraid. What is he afraid of? Being hurt. How could I help him feel more safe? Let him know he can feel safe and secure with me. Let him know I won’t hurt him. How do I let him know he can feel safe with me? How do I inspire that feeling in him?

How can I let him know he doesn’t have to be shy with me? He can be open and free with me, secure with me, loved by me. I already accept him, I am already open to him. I can help him to build his self confidence. I can help him to be free of his fears. I can help him to be open, loving and abundantly happy. And, he can help me in all of these ways too.

Is there anything I can do right now to move forward into the having this relationship with him? Yes, drop the belief that he is afraid to get close to me. Drop the belief that I am afraid to get close to him. Why am I afraid to get close to him? Because of the unknown. When you are on the leading edge of discovery, how much do you know of what lies ahead? Not much. The only way it will become known, is by taking that step towards knowing, allowing the unfolding. Being on the leading edge is a constant experience of discovering. This is the growth path of unfolding, expanding revealing, building and creating the path before us. We are literally creating the next step, the next bit of path before us. Right now. This creating is happening always in this here now moment. I shine the light of awareness upon how it is now and a little bit ahead of me so that I can see what the next step is, where I should place my foot next. And in being here now, shining the light of awareness upon the path before me, heeding the emotional guidance I experience, I choose where to place my foot on the path, avoiding stumbling blocks and pitfalls by being present in this moment and aware of the choices I can make here now.

When I know where I want to go, and pay attention to the indicators each moment is giving me in relationship to where I am at, and where my destination is, I can steer my course and thus easily arrive at my destination. As I maintain my focus on attaining the goal, I consistently take steps which move me towards the fulfillment of that goal. And, once I get there, the path continues to unfold before me, giving me opportunities to choose which way to go next.

Fear is the self imposed prison we make for ourselves which binds us and holds us in place. There is security in the known, but there is no growth, excitement, adventure and opportunity. Fear robs us of the zest for life, and leaves us empty. If you want to live life fully, if you want to grow and find the adventure and excitement within your life again, you must face your fears and realize they have no power over you that you do not give them. The only power fear has over you, is the power you’ve given it. As an adventurer in life, you can reclaim that power and by reclaiming that power dissolve the bars that have bound you. So you can live fearlessly on the leading edge of creation discovering what’s out there. Being enlivened and renewed with every new discovery, so that the attitude of anticipation and wonderment fill each step of this journey as it unfolds before us.

There is always a next step, there is always a new horizon, and there is always a new vista before us, awaiting our discovery of it. In the creative sense, it hasn’t been created yet. It is created by the choices we make here now, in this moment.

So, can you let go of your fears and be the fearless being you truly are? What have you got to lose if you let go of your fears? I lose the stagnation, and the lack of energy. What do I gain by letting go of my fears? Energy, enthusiasm, excitement, wonder, freedom, abundance, joy, growth, a fuller life expression in being. The list could go on and on. There is an infinity out there awaiting my discovery, there is an abundance of life awaiting my living it.

The door is open, the light of awareness shines out before me, and reveals to me, in each moment the choices I have. In choosing, I decide where my life journey leads me. Whatever I choose is okay, after all, it is my choice, my life, my experiencing.

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